Finally, the Truth
by The Opheliac In Me
Summary: The true tale of Suguru Fujisaki. He might not have always been the hard working kid we know today. What if he had his own dirty secret, or maybe a few.
1. Devil Inside

**Finally, the Truth**

_Notes:_ All right I am really sick and tired of all this modest, teenage workaholic BS, that every one feeds to Suguru. You know what, maybe even in the real universe he doesn't have such a clean streak. Maybe he used to be totally different never doubt the power of Touma's influence. Well read and review, see if you want more. I'll still post it but I am just curious about your thoughts. (Touma/Suguru), (Random men/Suguru), (K/Suguru) **_I'm OK, your OK_** is actually a theory. It is the dumbest shit I've ever heard.  
_Dedication:_ To Fujisaki- another character I have taken into my care and destroyed their life.  
_Warnings:_ Smoking, drinking, drugs, underage sex, Drunken SI (well SI in general.) slightly non-con cousincest, consensual sex,a breif rape scene, rehab, bad language, many more things.

**Devil Inside**

'My parents were always strict. Not just strict, no, they were controlling strict. _'Suguru Fujisaki you will pass all you exams, and with flying colors.'_ I may not have been the brightest kid, but I worked hard. I wanted to see my parents happy. I wanted them to be proud of me._ 'Suguru, your teacher said that you haven't been practicing your scales. Go and practice until you can play them in your sleep.'_ More often then not I ended up napping at the piano. But still I studied hard, I practiced hard, working myself to the bone for them.

When puberty hit, it was a shock. I knew all about the process but the whole experience was much different then what they described. I did grow weary of my parents strict jurisdictions on my life. I got tired of trying to be perfect, I learned as a teenager that nothing was good enough for them. My parents would never be satisfied with what I was. They wanted a little Touma. That was something I was not. I was never good enough. So I did what any teenager would do. I rebelled.

When I was taking a psychology class We learned about an American phenomenon call the "I'm OK, your OK." At the time in my life, when I heard about this I thought it was a joke. I will always remember the story, mostly out of the horrible descriptions:

_There was this town and everyone gave each other warm fuzzes. Now, everyone gave everyone else warm fuzzes and no one minded because they knew that there would be enough warm fuzzes for everyone. The town was so carefree that a man watched his wife give warm fuzzes to a handsome man from a different town, but he didn't care he knew that he would get warm fuzzes when he got home. Then one day an evil witch came to town and received warm fuzzes but she didn't like that. She didn't like that everyone was giving these things away so freely. So she convinced the town that there were only a limited amount of warm fuzzes any person could give._

_It worked. People stopped giving warm fuzzes, and only a few weeks later people began to die. The witch worried that she would lose her newly acquired status, invented something called cold prickles, and they were at a never-ending supply, so people began to give people cold prickles instead of warm fuzzes, and no one really died after that. But another problem arose people started to fight and kill one another to the witch invented little mittens that would fit over the cold prickles and disguised themselves as warm fuzzes, and people began to give those out. In time people started to refuse to give out any warm fuzzes, even to themselves. Over time people grew apart, because no one was willing to share their warm fuzzes._

To quote the overly cheesy story above I wan never given any warm fuzzes, cold prickles, or even cold prickles disguised as warm fuzzes. I got an occasional 'hello' maybe a 'pass the rice.' Never any real attention. did you know it is scientifically proven that if a baby is not coddled and love it will die no matter how well fed or how well you treat it? My baby became terminally ill at eleven and died the moment I hit thirteen.

It started small. I started to smoke, hacking up a lung as I did so. But my parents ignored the fact that I came home smelling like smoke. That my room looked like I had just put out a fire. Then I changed my friends, started to hang out with the outcasts of society drug dealers, goths, punks, one of my closest friends was twenty-six year old prostitute I bummed a cigarette off one night. My parents just told me that I was no longer allowed to have friends over. Then I drank. I drank any kind of liquor I could get my hands on. My parents again decided to ignore the fact I came stumbling home at nearly three am on a school night with more alcohol in my system then a winery.

When that didn't get me noticed I started to sleep around. Not because I knew my parents would find out more so I craved that affection. I needed to be told 'I love you.' even if in the heat of a moment and only the heat of the moment. I lost count at how many people I slept with, not that anyone ever needed to know, considering half of those time I wasn't using protection.

One fateful day I met a boy name Rozi, now this kid had lived in two half way houses and his parents he lived with until he was ten used to molest him. He had been arrested two times for robbery, and was in a gang. Rozi and I started to date. Well no, not date, more so, sleep with each other in a steady pattern. One night as he was fucking me blind, and painting red graffiti on the wall with my face. He suddenly pulled out of my body and twisted my arm around. I was shocked as he tied a leather strap to my bicep. I knew what was coming, he pulled out a needle and pressed it into me.

The sex that night was truly la petite mort, I cannot remember how many time we copulated but the mix inside that syringe must have had speed, because when I woke up I was raw bleeding and craving another release. You know the saying one time can get you addicted? Well I'm proof, one time is all it takes. I started with Methamphetamines and amphetamines trying to stay away from depressants and only using things that made me feel alive.

Then came the bars, not only sleeping around, but enticing much older men, to take a peice of me. I began to participate in glory holes, and most of the time didn't think about consequences. I was doing the 'live fast die young' thing. Table dancing almost stripping on school nights, to pull a 'I feel like crap, I'm not going' in the morning when I had to go to school.

By the time I was fifteen I dropped out of school altogether. Instead I filled all my off time will excess booze and drugs. Then any time I was not doing The aforementioned I was having sex, it didn't matter who they were or what the looked like I just laid back and let them ravish me. Usually getting paid for my services in drugs. Now to clear the record., Shuichi and I have very little in common I have never been raped. Ever. Every time I found myself beaten or raw I had usually begged for more, drugs have that effect on a person.

I met Masao. He was at Oobi, one of my local haunts, and we went back to the bathrooms and in exchange for a blow job he gave me, shitty shrooms. Now I don't know if any of you have ever done shrooms but you can hallucinate like no one's business(at least that's what happened to me.) I was a horrible trip. I had left the club at three a.m. and then they kicked in. I glanced behind me then I started running from the dark it was behind me. Not just like semi dark. No utterly pitch black. I ran from it's all consuming bleakness on the streets. to me no one was there. It felt like the day had already passed and it was getting dark again. I found myself at a familiar yet unfamiliar apartment.

It was 3:25 in the morning, when a tired blond opened the door to my frantic pleas.

"You have to help me." I was shaking looking behind me. The darkness was coming closer.

"Please it's going to eat me, I don't want to die. I don't want to die!" I collapsed on the ground and started to rock back and forth. I felt a soft arm on my shoulder I looked up into teal eyes.

"Suguru?"

"T-Touma. . " I stood quickly and looked between the darkness and my cousin. I turned toward the darkness and started to walk toward it. I would rather die than face my idol. Ever since I was younger I wanted to be just like my cousin. I stood on the threshold between the well lit hall and the darkness. I licked my lips sure in my decision. I crossed over the threshold.

Lights from all the apartments were on, and all their doors opened. I didn't realize it but I was screaming. Pictures flooded my mind off everything only there was no relief, no pleasure. Just The pain, The utter pain. Touma quickly rushed me inside from all the prying eyes. I tried to push him off and get him away from me. He turned on the light and closed the door. Mika now awake and looking at my huddled form which had successfully crawled into the corner. I was rocking back and forth again, like an autistic child. blabbering in broken fragments of sentences.

Touma approached me and I shrieked grabbing whatever was closed to be and throwing it at him. Which included a lamp, some books, and a few priceless China figurines.

"No! No! I don't want to. I don't want to stop it, stop touching me. No. Please." I started sobbing. Touma and Mika exchanged words. They left me to babble away in a corner of their house and they went to the kitchen.

I looked up, a while later, and watched the world breath, as soon as I stopped crying. I, then, stood and walked toward the kitchen. I turned quickly and I saw my body was laying on The floor eyes blank. Empty. I was dead.

I ran to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror but there was nothing there I started to beat on the glass trying to see myself. I couldn't make myself appear no matter how I tired. I started to dig around looking for something, anything, to make me live again.

I gripped the wooden handle of The plunger and bashed it into the mirror and after three hits it shattered. Tiny prices of glass rained down on me. I collapsed again and began to root through the glass looking for a peice that would show me my reflection. I found a peice big enough and peered in and only say a brief montage of faces.

**Failure.**

I covered my ears, but the word reverberated. My head pounding, like the bashing of fists on wood. I threw the peice of glass, against the wall crawling on the broken glass looking for another peice. Blood, glass, and tears covered the tile floor. As I looked for other prices. Each one holding that dreaded word. I found the last peice with a crack down the center.

**Whore, you've failed at everything else haven't you. That's why your on you knees here isn't it.**

It was Masao voice that flooded my ears. Half tempted to throw the glass I looked at it and saw myself, finally, only my face was distorted and I looked thirty years older.

**Give it up. Your useless.** I looked at my reflection with envy for looking so free. **Do it.** I took the edge of the glass and jammed it into my wrist watching a moldy yellow liquid fell from the wound.

**See your full of pus. Your infected, you worthless peice of--**

I jammed it into my other wrist laughing like a maniac as the pus poured out. I stood quickly and with shaky hands began to remove my clothes. I had to get rid of the infection. The door burst open, at this point and a very disheveled version of my cousin looked at me horrified.

"Suguru what are you doing?" He said slowly, a face of absolute terror on his face.

"Touma, can't you see I am full of pus? I have to get it all out or the infection will never heal."

"Suguru, that's not pus it's blood." He said taking a step inside.

"No. No. No! I'm full of pus! I am full of pus. Pus godammit!" I yelled at him holding the glass out as a weapon.

"Suguru, I just want to help--"

"You can't do anymore than I am doing, you have to get the infection out of you or you'll have blood poisoning." My body started to grow weak. My eyes must have rolled back in my head I had passed out

"**I gotta habit, I've gotta vice, I've gotta problem with advice. I gotta hunger, I gotta lust, and alter ego I just can't trust. I don't even wanna know how much further I can go."**


	2. Animal I Have Become

_Ja:_ Did you know Fujisaki means Wisteria Cape? Oh and I dedicate this to **Mortheza** this is for you babe.

**Animal I Have Become**

The first thing I noticed as consciousness wrapped around my brain was that where I was, was much too bright. I groaned and tried to roll over. That ability was lost to me. I slowly cracked open my eyes only to scrunch them closed, it was way too bright. Then the throbbing started, low barely unrecognizable until I tried to move my hands. Then sharp pain hat made my eyes fly open, and the room came in to bright focus.

A hospital?

I looked around to see my cousin worryingly holding his forehead against his thumbs. I tried to speak but my throat rebelled, then I tried to reach out to him. Finding the motion still lost even though consciousness had been fully aroused. I looked down at my arms. They were bound in semi-tight cuffs to the bed.

I groaned again and hit my head against the pillow. What had I done last night? Why was Touma here? And why was I bound up in a hospital? I continued to his my head against the pillows. I looked over as teal eyes fell on mine.

"Suguru!" Touma stood up and looked at me with pity. I wanted to growl, but the whole concept of my voice was lost to me. I couldn't groan anymore. Touma saw my distress and got me some water.

"Touma. What the fuck am I doing in a hospital?"

"They didn't think you'd make it."

"What are you talking about?" I tried to sit up, failing miserably.

"You came to my house and were freaking out, then you tried to kill yourself." I blinked then shrugged looking at the water again. He took mercy on my poor throat and gave me some.

"So?" I said.

"So? You could have died Sugi." My cousin's cold shell breaking. Obviously, the fact that I wasn't deterred by this information upset him. I tried to remember last night's events. At the bar, mysterious man buying me drinks. Flirting, bathroom, on my knees. Masao , that was his name, the drugs. Using the drugs.

"Sugi."I looked at my cousin. His voice, now, stern "The police were notified at the attempted suicide, and when they checked your blood for your type they found the rennets of _Amanita Muscaria_. The police have been notified about that as well."

"Shit." So I was going to go to jail and do time for my attempted suicide and the drugs. Oh holy fucking shit.

"However. I called your parents and they are on their. . ."

"Why did you have to call them?" I needed a cigarette, I needed a joint, or maybe a shot.

"They _are _your parents! Now, back to business. I talked to the police and told them that I would enroll you in a rehab program. . ."

"I won't go." Touma glared at me, and I glared back, taking in my cousin's disheveled appearance. So he rushed me here after I must have slit my wrists.

"You **will** go, you have no other choice." He said that flatly, it wasn't up for debate. " There is a nice place in the States." I started to laugh. " Suguru! Listen to me. The rehab center which is called Malibu Echo. It is in-"

"I do hope it is in _New York." _I laughed at the shocked look on my cousin's face. The power of being little and eavesdropping.

"Suguru." Touma said sharply. I just looked at him like an angel. "It's in California. It's a very good clinic. You will be leaving as soon as you are recuperated, and you will make up the last year of school you missed."

"Going to get me a tutor now? You know Touma those who don't learn from the past are doomed to repeat it." He glared are me.

"You will get your life back on track." My parent's came bursting through the door.

"Sugi! Oh Suguru we came as soon as we heard the news we were do worr-"

"Please, Izumi if you don't mind me saying." My cousin said with a serene smile on his face. "You were not worried. Not now nor ever."

"Touma how can yo say that?"

"Well considering all the track marks on his arms. I think that should have been an indicator."

"Touma I don't understan-" My father started.

"Look at your son, Kenrou, take a good look at him and tell me how it was hard to miss the downward spiral." The smile still on his face. I thought about my own appearance, was coke skinny (1). Which would make sense, I did do cocaine. My unkept hair from when I was little had grown out. It was about down to my chin and really in need of a washing. Bruises from lovers, and haters lingered on my body.

My style of dress had changed dramatically, I used to dress conservatively. Now, Tight low riders, shirts that were barely there. Heels, make up, and jewelry. Completed most of my outfits. Hell I had gone underground to find some shady asshole to pierce my tongue. I was longing for more piercings but the guy that did my tongue wound up in jail.

"Touma you are not his father, or his mother." My father started.

"Neither are you, prick." I said glaring at my father. "You abandoned me, a long time ago I am my own parent."

"A horrible one at that." Touma said turning that smile at me. "You **are **going to rehab, and you **will **get your life on track. You **will **make up for your lost year of school, and when you come back you will live with me for some time. Until I see fit. Understand?" I opened my mouth, and his head cocked to the side and he smiled again.

"I'm glad you understand Sugi." With that he left the room.

"Suguru, what do you think your doing running to Touma like that."

"Shut up. Listen I didn't mean to. I liked how my life was going, fucking bad shrooms, fucking Masao. Fucking Touma." I grumbled.

"Suguru, listen, why didn't you talk to us?" My mother said coming to clutch my hand I tried to bat it away.

"Do you remember at Touma and Mika's wedding when you told me to stop sitting by you because I was fidgeting. I met a man that day and he guided me to a path. I liked that path, a cold despondent path. But some sort of path."

"What do you mean?"

"He was bored with the whole exchanging vows thing and I was standing beside him almost asleep, he asked me if I wanted to go outside. I had my first cigarette that day, and for once I felt like I could talk to someone, but words weren't necessary."

"Sugu–"

"I liked it with him, I liked that feeling of life with out a voice. Just look. What's the song. Oh shit, how does it go. . . 'If looks could really kill. . .then my profession would be staring. . .' something like that."

"Su–"

"Oh yes. And" I was manic, shrooms could do that, I was giddy and laughing cracking sick smiles. "I am a homo-sex-u-al! I am a poof. I like it up the –"

"Suguru Fujisaki" My father shouted, I shut up but still giggled. "You will shut up, you disgusting cretin. You will get better and you will live with Touma until you behave like a normal human being."

"I am a desperate human being, so I get what love I can."

"You disgust me." My father said as he led my mother out of the room. I was laughing, laughing till I blacked out because I couldn't breathe.

"Fujisaki-san, Fujisaki-san." A sweet voice whispered in my ear. I slowly opened my eyes, confused then remembering.

"Yes?" I said slowly. Feeling the binding's on my wrist loosen, then disappear.

"Touma-san asked me to come get you. So you can have a cigarette." I quietly confided my love for my cousin. Thanking him.

She led me out to a small court yard that patients used to visit something green and to use as a place to smoke. I looked for my cousin and in his hand shone a shining glory. Angels suddenly appeared and played the most heavenly of chorus's as my cousin held the small cylinder of euphoria.

I approached him and watched as he drew it up and took a drag. Then I got scared, my cousin only smoked with he was beyond angry and into homicidal mode, or to unwind once and a while. I thought for how he reacted he was in homicidal mode. I knew I had to go to him. I took a deep breath then swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Yes, Touma?" I said once I was in ear-shot. His eyes meeting mine. All right he wasn't in homicidal mode. He took out the pack and a lighter handing me one. With some difficulty I got it out of the pack, and Touma took pity and lit it for me. That was better, I was still being nagged at for a line or a hit or something but I knew I would never do any of that again.

"I am disappointed in you." It felt like a hot knife into a cold heart.

"Touma, I am sorry. . .I will go to rehab. I have to get better." I hoped it was what he wanted to hear. He smiled at me as I inhaled.

"I know Sugi-chan. I know you'd get better for me." He reached out and brought me into a hug.

"I love you Sugi-chan, and I will protect you no matter what." I knew what meaning those words held. I had seen him with Yuki-san. The over protective coddling that man was given by my cousin.

"I love you too Touma."

"Good., because if you didn't I'd die." I thought for a moment, as my cousin pulled away from the embrace.

"Touma. This rehab center won't make me stop some of my other. . .traits will it?"

"No, it's a drug, alcohol, and self-mutilation rehab center. They are nice people and they have been very kind to let me admit you under such precarious circumstances.

"Good. because I like parts of me that I am now."

"I just want you off things that kill those precious brain cells Sugi-chan. I wouldn't want certain parts of you to change for anyone ir anything." Little did I know what those words held.

"**So what if you can see the darker side of me. No one can save me from this animal I have become. Come on and help me believe, it's not the real me."**

(1) You know looks like most models?


	3. Open Up

_Ja:_ Again to my reviewers, I am glad you like naughty Suguru as much as I do. This little warning is for you. Mostly to **Mortheza.  
**_Warning:_ Naughty stuff ahead.

**Open Up**

It only took a few days to recover at the hospital. After one week the suicide watch was relinquished. They realized that I wasn't really going to kill myself, it was a drug induced delusion. My cousin had been taking time off work to come and stay in the hospital with me.

The day I got released he picked me up and helped me pack up a lot of my room and move it to his house. Which is were I was, laying in a foreign bed. Sleep slowly pushing past nerves. I didn't want to go, and thought of running away permeated my thoughts. But sleep slowly started to win. Quick images flashed through my head, until it settled on a dream.

_Soft fingers were running thorough my hair. I slowly opened my eyes and saw a much younger version of my cousin sitting there. He had a book in his hands, and his wire glasses were sliding down the bridge of his nose. I smiled up at him. He, then, shook his head with a slight smile upon his lips._

"_Sugi-chan, I thought you had fallen asleep." I shook my head and reached out to hold on to his shirt._

"_Touma-san. I don't like being away from home. Please stay with me." Touma shook his head. "Please Touma-san. Please? Just for a little bit." My cousin sighed and settled down on the bed. Climbing under the sheets with me. His hands wrapping around me body._

Flash. A light just appeared and blinded me for a moment, and I slipped briefly from my dreams, and were this any other night I would have gotten up.

"_Touma-san, what are you doing?" I felt hands trace patterns down my back, with soft finger tips. My cousin's hands dropped further down my back._

"_Sh, Sugi-chan. I will not hurt you." My cousin's hand dipped below my pajama pants. I gasped as his cold hands grasped on to my bottom I squirmed on the mattress. This was wrong wasn't it? Touma's other hand pushed a few strands of emerald hair from my eyes. Soft lips against mine. I melted into my cousin's embrace._

"_Touma. . ."I barely breathed as he pulled away. He told me to continue with half-lidded eyes, hands exploring my supple young skin. "We shouldn't. . .isn't it wrong?"_

"_Sugi-chan. Do you love me?" I nodded enthusiastically, I adored my cousin. "Then what is so wrong with this? Your just showing me your love."_

"_Touma-s–" My cousin shook his head__. Putting his finger against my lips._

"_Touma, is fine Sugi." I nodded. My cousin's hand moved from my lips and slipped under my shirt. His skin so cold against my own. His lips again found mine, and their damp warmth found my dry lips. His tongue pushing against my quivering lips. Confused, I let it slide through and his tongue began to message mine, didn't know what I was supposed to do to my cousin._

_His body moved closer and with every kiss or every touch that I let my hands make, his hips pressed toward me. His hands had torn through my pajama's, fingers caressing every inch of skin he could find._

_My brain was going fuzzy. I ran my hands down to the hem of his pants, stroking the warm flesh. Causing soft moans to pass through my cousin's mouth. He rolled on to his back and pulled me on top on him._

"_Sugi, let yourself explore." I did as I was told and with his help removed his clothes, and let my finger's trace over the slight definitions of bones, that appeared like islands of raised flesh. I quickly let myself kiss him before wondering if he'd like what he did to me earlier. My hands slid down to his hips. I looked up at my cousin's face, a soft reassuring smile was painted on his lips._

_I moved my hands down his thighs then back up and started to stroke him much like he had done to me. My cousin the shivered and let his voice be known. I pulled away quickly. My cousin let out another sound a disappointed sound._

_Touma grabbed my arms and pulled me under him. Clothes now gone from both of us. My cousin's teth found my lip. I arched toward his body. Warm hands slipped down my body. The slight sound of something wet being poured._

"_Sugi. . ." I looked up into my cousin's teal eyes. The fingers slipped between my legs. "I love you."_

My eyes opened briefly. I forced sleep upon myself. I wanted to watch.

_I squirmed as his fingers pushed inside my body. I tried to pull away from the pain. My cousin's other hand coming up to press against my chest._

"_Hold still Sugi" his fingers moved in and out of me . I tried to pull away, Touma's and pressed me into the mattress._

"_Touma! It hurts stop. Please." My cousin bent down to kiss me, the soft gesture not detracting from the pain. I wriggled on his hand and under the other._

"_Sh, Sugi. I know you'll love it." His fingers pushed deeper into me. The pressure of his fingers made it feel like my abdomen was going to be ripped open. He continued his assault on my small body, his fingers thrusting in and prodding my innocence._

_After only sometime of agonizing pain his fingers left my body. His hand relased me and came up so my hair pulling himself on top of me._

"_Sugi, this is going to hurt. But I promise you'll like it." His lips came against me before I could protest. His body situated it's self. The kiss became suffocating. His lips choking me. His hand snuck don and I could feel it against my entrance. He bit my lip and as I inhaled he thrust into me._

I quickly sat up in the bed shivering. I did. . .I did what with my cousin? I laid back down and mentally shuddered. I loved my cousin. But he. I was on the verge of tears. Touma. I stood up and walked out of the room to sleep out the rest of the night on the couch.

As I lay there letting sleep once again take over I realized I didn't exhale until he was finished with my body.

"**Hand you the shovel to dig your own hole. Open up now, let it all go. I'm quite certain say it ain't so. Your corrupted by, some sick fuck. Oh. No."**


	4. Looking Forward To Joining You Finally I

_Ja?_: Thanks to my reviewers. Glad you like it 5 :). Still dedicated to my first reviewer. I went back and edited the last chapter. Wanna see where Suguru is staying? www (dot) echomalibu (dot)com/facility (dot) php. Because it took me so long to get up you get two chapters.

**I'm Looking Forward To Joining You, Finally (Part I).**

My cousin woke me up and wondered why I was on his couch. I told him that the bed was too soft, so I couldn't sleep. I looked at my cousin in a new light. He may have called me Sugi during it. But, was I just a convenient replacement for Eiri Yuki? Then I wondered if he knew and that's why he went out and gave me a cigarette during the wedding.

I quickly got up and showered making sure the door was locked and that when I dressed I was completely covered wearing more clothes than I had in a year. I gathered my miscellaneous stuff from the room my bags already in my cousin's car.

The drive to the airport was quick and in silence. My cousin must have thought that I was really excited or really depressed. Mostly I was confused. I had sex with my cousin, I was going to the states to get clean from drugs, all I wanted was a cigarette and to get this over with.

My cousin accompanied me all the way to the gate. He told me he didn't want me to run off or skip the plane. I was tempted but I knew I had to go through with this. After a brief, uncomfortable hug I said goodbye to my cousin. Basically running to my seat, so I didn't have to talk to him much more.

How does one cope with the fact that they had broken three laws in one night? Rape. . .well no it wasn't total rape it just hurt, and I didn't know what was going on. Incest. That I can't deny he is my cousin. Sex with a minor. That law was broken as well. How did Touma cope with this. Does he even remember?

I snuggled into my window seat and prepared to sleep my way through the flight.

"_Sugi." _

Bleary eyes opened. I looked around the plane. Then out the window a giant mass of blue was all I saw. I settled back into my chair. So now they won't leave me alone. I know it happened, it didn't need to keep reminding me. I licked my lips feeling parched I called the flight attendant.

Time passes slowly on a plane, luckily it had TV and some movies so I paid and did nothing but let my brain buzz for the remainder of the flight.

California was beautiful. I stepped out into the hot air and looked around. Then is strangely written kanji was my name. I walked toward the man and he grabbed my bag, putting them in his car and opening the door for me. So Touma planned this?

I got in and was driven all the way to the Santa Monica mountains. I watched the scenery as I passed as the area became more remote. I felt the car slow to a stop. I looked out at the place where I'd be spending the next month. The house was white, and stacked up high I looked around at the lavish gardens, and as I stepped out I could hear the ocean.

At least where I was, was beautiful. I held on to my bag as I walked toward the door. A man was sitting by the steps. I looked at him He had dark hair, and an slight beard, he looked friendly enough. Dressed casually in a green button down and jeans.

I walked up to him. He smiled at me and stuck out his hand. "Hello I am Dr. Jeff Nalin. I am the lead councilor here." I shook his hand awkwardly. He chuckled. "I forgot, your Japanese. He stood up and bowed. I smiled.

"No. It's okay. I have a hard time remembering customs, but I'll be alright." I said thanking my memory. It still had English in it. "Suguru Fujisaki."

"Welcome to our little slice of Heaven. Now your cousin called us and said that you would be arriving today. I bet your tired." I nodded. "But I will try to keep you on a decent sleep schedule, so let me show you around." I understood his reasoning. I again nodded.

"We'll start up in your room." He led me inside, past some kids on the couches, who waved at me and Dr. Nalin jovially. I bit my lip, uncomfortable by this whole thing. Usually I was outgoing and out there but I was foreign and this place was strange to me. The whole house looked comfortable as we passed rooms and headed up the stairs.

"Your cousin got you a private room. So you don't have any room mates to meet. We have a big household dinners so you can get to know fellow house mates while you're here. But we also have trips and other events so you can interact with people. I've been told you were quite a social butterfly."

"I was in Japan. But that got me in trouble." I laughed. "But it's strange here for me. I don't know if I can reach out and be as social my English is near terrible and I don't know if I can improve it in such a sort time."

"Well you'll find people here are very accepting." I hoped he was right. "Well here is your room." I looked around it, it was modern, which I didn't mind. I set down my bag and looked around. It looked comfortable enough.

"Come on Suguru I have the rest of the house and grounds to show you."

Okay, maybe when I am older I will come and work here some how. It was gorgeous. I feel in love and the fact that they didn't pawn their self righteous bull on me made it better. Not that I was a practicing Buddhist or Shintoist.

The tour was over once dinner began and I came to the room feeling awkward again. Sitting down and accepting the food was difficult. I never before had eaten anything like this. The people were nice enough striking up conversations with me. A nice young lady next to me named Samantha became a sort of friend, because she was obsessed with Japan. I was like a handy dandy resource guide.

Then as the sun set everyone was left for recreation time and I went to bed. Curled up under foreign sheets, I didn't dream of my cousin that night. I didn't dream of any men but the man that gave me my first smoke.

The next morning I met the rest of the staff and I started my therapy. While they ransacked my room looking for anything against their rules. I told them that I was legal age to smoke in Japan so that they wouldn't take them away. After much hesitation they let me keep them. Saying that I could only smoke them at night and only out on my balcony.

My music was another problem, for some reason they made me give up all my Japanese music, probably because they couldn't understand it to see if it promoted the use of drugs. But I got to keep most of it. Since most of my music was about being lost, depressed, and hating god (Oh American music) they were worried but since my suicide attempt was drug induced, I got to keep my depression selection.

My clothing almost became an issue. But then they realized, I was Japanese and yes we dressed that way. I was a general problem for them. I could write things they didn't understand. I could say things they didn't understand and that scared them. Did I honestly plan to get better? Yes I did, I planned on getting better and confronting my cousin.

Counseling was some of the strangest minutes of time spent there they asked me about my family about school, about everything. I could communicate my reasons easily, that didn't mean they were justified. I was still a child after all. It was fairly easy for the first few days. People talked to me, when I wanted to be left alone. But soon enough people started to learn things about me. Then walking through the hall became a hassle.

"Suguru."I'd look over at a the person who said it. He was about 6'2" and black, he walked toward me, looking friendly. Then he'd pin me against the wall and start to stroke my sides. Cooing that I was a fag in my ear. The counselor barely rescuing me from rape. I, then, became reclusive. I sat in my room or outside and listened to music and smoked on my balcony.

I wrote, and got out most of my feelings Without the drugs I was quickly spiraling into depression. Which scared me because the more and more I thought of my life, the most I wish I would have pushed that peice of mirror harder against my wrists. Maybe across my neck. Just so my life was over.

I had been working with Dr. Nalin, but I was finding it harder and harder to trust him. For some reason I grew very wary of him one night. That was the end of me getting better though therapy. He noticed, and the transferred me to a female. Doctor Draven Godwin. She was amazing, she seemed to understand me so much better then Dr. Nalin, and she was very kind to me. She realized that a lot of my trouble spanned from my parents, and that they should be talked with.

I told her it was useless to get through to them, they were very traditional and would think that it was my own weakness not their mistake. Then her questions got very personal.

"Suguru, Tell me about your cousin, he enrolled you in here. Why him and not your parents?" I thought of a great answer for her but I didn't say it. Some how 'My cousin felt guilty because he had sex with me and enjoyed it.' Didn't seem like a good way to get home faster. I just told her that we had always been very close and that I idolized him, I explained Nittle Grasper and how he got me to take piano lessons.

Then she signed me up for musical therapy. Mr. Tubman, teaching me how to put my heart into piano and compose and create, with my own emotion. I asked him if I could burrow one of his keyboards and write up in my room. He let me.

I played it and learned the keys, and started to play myself a lullaby. Pouring the year of shit into it, dumping off al the feelings of abandonment into the keys. Curling up with my depression, that I didn't want to loose. Letting everything else out. Crying, really crying for the first time in years.

Feeling stupid, abused, and used. But I let the tears fall rom my face.

When I gave it back to him he listened to the recording and looked scared. I hadn't been through more then anyone else here, I could just push it into something. And getting "rid" of it was making me cold.

"**In the blur of serenity, Where did everything get lost? The flower of naivety, buried in a layer of frost. A fool's devotion, swallowed up in empty space. The tears of regret, froze to the side of his face."**


	5. Looking Forward To Joining You Finaly II

_Ja?_: Part II, some mentions un-consenting. Sorry Five this maybe trigger happy.

**I'm Looking Forward To Joining You, Finally (Part II).**

Then death looked better than anything in theworld. I was curled up on the floor. Shuddering, Twitching. Today was my last day, I was better I was clean, and in half the time. My cousin ecstatic, was going to pick me up in 17 hours at the airport, he made sure he got the time off to see me.

I had cut my hair, looking slightly girly but short. I had regained weight, I had stopped thinking about drugs. But then they. The carpet rough against my skin, I thought about suicide. I was more depressed then I ever had been. Figuring as soon as I got out that it would be setter, and the highs and lows would vanish.

I blinked and slowly regained control over of my cold body. People were cruel, I had to walk 3 flights of stairs and before five. I had to get clothes I didn't want to stay longer because those pricks decided that I was an easy target.

I stood up on shaky knees, naked in the family room. Blood caked to my thighs. I stumbled upstairs. Trying not to wake up any of the councilors. I got up the firs flight before I had to kneel down and take a breath. I willed myself to jog up the other to flights, fighting with my door before I collapsed on the floor kicking the door closed.

I started to cry. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was better I thought I was clean and healthy now. But no. I was shaking. I wanted to be back in Japan I wanted to not do those tainted shrooms I wanted to be so secure of my dead self. I wanted to be home, and dead again. Being alive was killing me.

I caught my breath and in measured motions I stood up and walked to my bathroom and started a bath. I slid into the scalding water, and sat there and twitched stroking my worn body. Trying to find comfort in my touch, trying to pretend that I was someone else. Someone who could care, who would care. I raked my nails down my arm. Hissing at the sensations. I looked at my arms watching the slight bubbled of blood that appeared. I started at it and suddenly felt better.

I was alive. No one could change that. Not even a few teenage boys who thought my body was easy. Not Touma who would use m as a replacement for Eiri Usegai. Not For all those men who wanted a cheep lay, and pawned me off into drugs. I was the only one who could change my status in living. I looked at the scars on my wrists.

Methodical action after methodical action. I was dressed packed and ready to go. I smiled as Dr. Nalin and Dr. Godwin approached me and asked me how I was. I lied and claimed I was happy. I Answered all there questions with prescripted accuracy. They both gave my empty body hugs before I got into the cab. I put on my headphones and rocked back and fort, trying to comfort my mind, which reeled around.

But always ended on one thing. I lost myself when I came here, and they helped me rebuild into their facsimile to life. Now It was up to me to build Suguru into me.

"**Thought he had it all before they called his bluff. Found out that his skin just wasn't thick enough. Wanted to go back to how it was before. Thought he lost everything, then he lost a whole lot more."**


	6. Close To Me

_Ja: _Cousincest anyone? Mortheza, still for you. Sorry for the delay, mom was I hospital all is okay.

**Close To Me**

I forgot the plane ride. I wanted to see my cousin. My numbness had set in, I wanted my cousin to feels me. I wanted to feel him I wanted to be worshiped by him. I loved my cousin, and I didn't care about the motivation behind his actions before. I wanted to feel that complete that full again.

The plane landed after what felt like brief blinks of time. I quickly grabbed my bag and pushed my way out fo the plane. I ran to where my cousin said he would meet me. Seeing his blonde head. I raced toward him. Launching myself into his arms.

"Sugi-chan." He hugged me. I pulled him close to me trying to suffocate myself in his scent. He let me cling to him. I felt right at home and full. Complete. I pulled away and smiled at my cousin.

"Are you hungry?" I nodded and walked with him to the car.

Lunch went by quickly, after devouring as much _real_ food as I could. We returned to my cousins beautiful car, I decided it was now or never, as my cousin reached to start the car. I pushed his hands away.

"Sugu-" I pressed my lips against his as he turned his head. I could feel his cheeks strain meaning his eyes had widened.

"Yes cousin?" I said I slipped off my seat and on to his lap. Starting to pr ff the buttons of his jacket.

"What are you doing Suguru?"

"You caught me at a bad time, then, but now. I am going to show you just what I know." My hand reaching under his shirt. Greedily stroking the pale skin. My other hand removing the buttons from their holes.

"Sugu-" I pressed my lips against his.

"I promise you'll enjoy it. Now cousin no more words." I pushed my lips against his again, my tongue running over his lips. Slowly he permitted me access to his mouth, my fingers now stroking at the exposed skin hungrily.

I felt my cousin's reaction to my ministrations against my thigh. I settled my hips down on his lap, slightly rubbing against the clothing covered package of my cousin. As my hips pressed against his prick he let out a moan.

"Do you want me cousin?"I said enjoying the dirty way I was using our family relation.

"Suguru." His voice rough and horse from passion.

I let my lips press against his neck. My tongue lightly teasing the flesh. My fingers coming to his nipple and I pinched it lightly. Soon, moving downward my lips sucked on his collarbone. His hips pressed toward me. I smirked against his skin, and slowly pulled away.

"Well cousin if you don't want me-" He pressed up to me. His lips capturing mine. I understood. I reached down to his waist and to the hem of his pants, slowly pulling on the belt, to release it from it's loops, then moving further down to undo his pants. My cousin's hand's working on my own clothes. Thanking what ever power that be his windows were seriously tinted.

I pulled myself up and slowly pulled off my pants. After my pants were off, I reached down and stroked my cousin through the remaining fabric; before reaching in and pulled his length out. Willing my body to relax and calm down. I felt my cousin's hands quickly stroking my back and my ass, before moving down and pushing in on.

I about cried, trying to ignore flash backs of the night before. My cousin cleansing me. I rocked on his fingers which started to dance inside me. I reached down and pushed his arm away moving myself so I could push him inside.

Crying out as he disappeared inside me. I began to rock on his lap, hoping that the pain would quickly vanish. My cousin's head falling back against the leather head rest. Hands coming around to clutch on to my back. I let my muscles work him off. Causing him to groan and moan for the sensations.

His body pressing closer to mine. I had been bracing myself on his shoulders I moved down my own chest and stomach to stroke myself, as my cousin started to move his own hips for his pleasure. Gasping as I moved, I began impale myself harder on his cock, pulling on my cock with fast greedy strokes.

The in a wave and a clutch my cousin slumped back against the bucket seat. I followed soon after leaning back against the steering wheel.

"Suguru, why did-"

"I love you Touma, never forget that."

"**Unknown seems to rush through my veins. So far you've been this close to me. You can share my words, you can feel my breath. So far you've been this close to me."**


	7. It's All Over But The Crying

_Ja:_ Sorry for the lateness. Family shiz. Well here is the next chapter. Thank all of you for the 769 hits. But it's strange that I have all these hits and eleven reviews(hint hint). . .Still for my first reviewer :kiss kiss:. Err, semi-confusing mention of SI.

**It's All Over But The Crying**

I was only home for a few days when things started to get harry. My cousin spent most of his time at work; and Mika wasn't much company. I felt my pull toward school and my music start to wane. I really didn't let it get to me though. Knowing, if it did, I would again fall back into rehab.

Goosebumps appeared as I thought back.

I tended to busy myself and stay up late so I could just pass out. Perpetual tired-ness was better then my dreams. They haunted me. I started to excel in school. But late night cramming kept my grades up.

I was trying to impress my cousin, and maybe get him to figure out more ways for us to spend time together. I knew he had to work, but the time out of the house was ridiculous. I rarely saw him, and that killed me.

I slept uneasy that night, tossing turning having my typical post-rehab nightmares. Then a soft touches. I remember waking up to teal eyes, melting into my bed. After a few minutes past and he was sure I was calm he spoke:

"Sugi. Your doing great." I smiled

"Thank you Touma." I slowly sat up and grabbed his hand holding on to it tightly.

"Your parents want you to move back home." I heard something in his voice, I wanted it do be sadness so that is what it was.

"No. Touma. I want to stay here. I want to stay with you."

"Suguru, you're sounding like a child." I pouted and looked away clutching the comforter. "You'll pack tomorrow and I'll drop you off after work."

Shot through the heart, my cousin wanted to get rid of me. I pushed his hand away from mine.

I made a silent vow, that if he was around as sparingly as he was in the past. I would go back and try again. This time not get caught and live like that. I didn't mind. I either wanted one forbidden thing or the other. Either one was fine, but it was one or the other.

"Fine." I laid back down and turned my back to him. I heard a soft sigh and then he left. I fought back my tears, he couldn't even comfort me?

Morning came and I packed up. One suit case and my keyboard. I slug the keyboard on the wheeled case and I walked back home. If I were to see my cousin drop me off and drive away. I would have to call the suicide prevention line, and laugh as I popped a bottle of aspirin.

I am not dependent on my cousin, but he is the only person in my life that had every _really _cared about me.Saying my parent's care is like saying the sky is hot pink. Or that chickens can fly. So stupid it's funny.

Walking through Tokyo was strange. I felt cornered, and lost although I knew where I was going. Seeing my apartment was a twisted dream. I wanted to find a hole and hide. But I willed myself inside, and into my old room. Sighing at the sterility. I unpacked and set my room up.

Staring I sat on my bed and stared off into my closet. I hugged my knees to my chest. Everything thing I had, I thought I had was gone. I was wrong to believe that it would last forever. Nothing ever did.

The thing with Touma was wrong. I was a monster. I was disgusting. I couldn't change the fact I was tainted and sick. So I would have to try to clean myself off. Try to be clean, be another face in the crowd. Mechanically standing and grabbing a coat. I walked to the bathroom.

Looking at myself in the mirror. _Monster._ The voice was small, but I could still hear it. I stripped off the clothes and looked at myself in the mirror. _Pus filled monster, not worthy of anything._ _You wanna get clean? Good luck. Rehab didn't help you think this will? Stupid little boy, grow up, and just accept you're the living dead. Not worthy of emotion. Too insecure to do anything meaningful._

Running my hands over my skin. I bit my lip and listened to the voice. _Wanna know what to do? _Yes. _Follow my instructions to a T then buckwheat. Go start a hot shower. _I did, turning the heat all the way up. I had to get clean. Clean to fix all this.

Reaching blindly under the sink. I grab the nail brush and climb in the water. Red welts popping up all over my skin. I gasp, but numbness set in. I sit down and soap up the brush taking it down on my skin. Scrub it away.

All the dirt.

All the imperfections.

I have to be clean. **Clean.** Clean so Touma will want me around. So that I can start again and then maybe.

I stare at the drain watching red dirt fall off my arm. I start on the other. Rocking back and forth. Biting pain gnawing at my arms. I ignore it and finish scrubbing my arms and work on the whole body.

The water is almost freezing as I exit the bathroom. Slowly put on my clothes, near nears as the fabric claims my raw skin. I feel sick and I stumble out of the steaming bathroom. Only to collapse on the floor.

I start to cry. I think I am dying, and I don't really care. I'm sick of trying.

**"Certain things just happen when you make no plans. And love can really tear you up and it can break you down. Everything you think you know, baby, is wrong."**


	8. Missing Time

_Ja: _Holy friggin' Chirst. Wow. I have 945 hits. Lets see if I can get to 1,000. **:-)** Well thank all of you and continue to review it makes me happy, and they all get put into my ego folder on my gmail account (no really they do.). For the one who first showed love an devotion to my child that wasn't me, **Miss Mortheza. **Oh and 5 "Black is everything."  
_Also,_ this is getting longer and longer I don't know how many chapters are left but there is much more to come.

**Missing Time**

Waking up became the toughest thing I had to do. I must have passed out, in a puddle of tears and fragments of blood. I blinked at bright lights and clung to the wall as I made my way to my room. My cousin how could he, he did this to me.

Almost in tears as I pulled off the clothes that stuck to my body awkwardly. I dug through my closet trying to find anything that would soothe my chaffed skin. Finding some light baggy clothes I pulled them over my head and on my legs and sat on my chair. Opening the close window and pulling out a cigarette.

Did he hate me? Or was I just damn convenient? Something to play with when he was bored? I prayed that it wasn't that way but I didn't know what was going on under that damned hat. I took a drag and let a plot form.

I'd skip school the next day and make my way over to the NG building. Get inside and head up to his office, then show him who cares, and all I did for him. I ran my hand over my inflamed skin. Growling at my stupidity. He'd probably lock me away, claiming I was suicidal.

The thought making me laugh. If I was suicidal, I'd get it right the first time, pop pills and hang myself, that way there was no return. Maybe slice my wrists to ribbons, so no one could sew me back up. My smoke half way gone I made my way to my computer and booted it up Adding all my MP3's and relaxing by the opened window.

Enjoying the mix of classical and rock that assaulted my senses. Relaxing me far better than any drug. Ashing outside and putting it out on the sill. I threw the butt away. Walking over to my computer to find something that fit my mood.

Choosing the hard and heavy angry and the depressing mixes fit my mood. Walking over to my bed I curled up with my pillow. Wondering how my cousin would react to what I had planned for the next day.

"Suguru?"I looked at the door, then at the clock. I had fallen asleep, I looked back at my mother who was smiling my way.

"Yeah?" I glared and pulled my coat around my shoulder shivering at fake cold.

"Come and have dinner with us." I nodded and stood up closing my window and following her down the hall and into our living and dining room. Sitting down on the floor, and waiting for my father to stop blessing the food.

Once all godlike formalities were finished I dished up. Eating slowly and cautiously, waiting for their questions. Which apparently would never come. We ate in the silence that once accompanied our meals. My mother breaking the cold barrier between all of us, with simple talk of work.

Answering mechanically as my father continued the family charade. I half-listened thinking about a song I would write tonight, about all this. But was captured much better by an American band.

I never claimed to be a writer, I claimed to be a composer. Some lines just wouldn't leave my head. That would never see the light in the kind and pop-tastic _Bad Luck_. But, I digress.

Longing for the comfort of my room, knowing that I would be forced into the living room, to answer dumb questions about rehab and how I was doing. In which aforementioned answers I would lie like a rug. Losing my apatite, at the thought, I pushed away the bowl, and set my chopsticks on top.

"Not Hungry?" My father said snidely. I shook my head and smiled in response to his crude word.

"No, Rehab made me cut down on food consumption. Plus all the twitching, screaming, and crying really didn't help my appetite at all. While we are on the subject of all my torment. Yes Rehab was good.

"I nearly vomited out all the toxins in the first week. After the initial drug-free shock, I started to make some friends, and then I started working on music therapy. I had a rough first two weeks, locking myself in my room, trying to run to the city to find drugs. Those sort of things.

"But after the first two weeks I was almost over the hump, but those first weeks were horrible and gut-wrenching. But the councilors were really supportive. Any other non-feeling questions?"

My mother who also had lost her appetite at my _wonderful_ descriptions shook her head. My father looked at me with something between a glare and the kind of look you give a dog when it's bad.

"Are you better?" Was the only question my mother raised.

"Yes. I am fine, feeling more alive then ever." Ah, the floor, my favorite friend. My father cleared his throat, announcing that we should look his way. Following the steps to the family waltz I looked his way. Maybe this was more of a family foxtrot.

"Are you _all_ better?" He said hinting, I smiled a bit.

"You mean 'am I not queer anymore?' right?" I said watching his slight nod.

"I'll let you decide that, I would hate to rain on your parade, after you worked _so_ hard on the floats." Yes, this was a family dinner, full of sarcasm and spite. My father huffed and I looked at my mother.

"May I be excused?" She nodded and I headed for my bed room.

"Well, now that _that's_ over." I said to the empty room I peeled off my coat and huddled under my blankets begging for sleep. Groaning as I had to set my alarm. I reached up and set it.

I had my fate in my hands and whether or not to figure out if my cousin was a prick or an ass. I laid back on my bed and cocooned myself in my sheets. This was fate wasn't it. Or maybe Karma coming to bite me in the ass.

Maybe I didn't want t know what was in my cousin's head, but by whatever that be I'd make him pay for sending me away.

"**Got the answer right in front of me. It's everything I see. Time outside moves on, the world I know is crumbling down. Bringing to a lost sensation. I'll erase the space and erase the memory. Missing time. What I don't know will never hurt me. Missing time. Cannot forge cannot remember . Disinformation is forever. Missing time. . . **"


	9. The Time Has Come

_Ja:_ Thank you, each and every one of you. I made it over 1,000 hit and over 20 reviews, and this is the **only **story I have ever written to do so. Thank you everyone. Well, as a treat, I tease you. And forgive my lateness I got a new computer and it was a hassle to set up.

**The Time Has Come**

My mother woke me up, shaking me slightly. I had slept through my alarm. Bolting out of bed and getting dressed, I told her not to bother with a ride I'd walk. I wanted fresh air. But she didn't listen, she was insisting she give me a ride, I snuck out at the first opportunity I could.

Walking briskly toward my destination. I knew if I didn't I would regret and turn around and go to school but I had a mission. I needed to complete it. I had to see my cousin and know if he was in or out.

I had to know. I was tired of this illusion. If he didn't really care all that much, then I start again. A record, three weeks sober and here I was going to start again, Meager by my own morals.

I made sure that I got into NG and bypassed everyone. Ignoring every person that looked my way, being stopped temporarily by a droopy-eyes black-hair prick who I could have sworn was hitting on me.

Finally I reached the door, and made my way inside silently. My cousin's hat had been discarded and his nose was buried in his work. I had smiled, so, cousin, this is more important than me?

"I told you Shyo, I want no interruptions."Apparently my entrance wasn't as quietas I hoped but I made no noise closing the door and slowly approaching the desk. My cousin didn't look up until I threw my books' on the floor.

"I told - Suguru shouldn't you be in school?"

"I _should _be. But that is really unimportant to me right now."

"Suguru, what has gotten into you?"

"Why cousin that list is long and unfortunately you have made some cameo's in my sad-sad drama." My cousin sighed and sat back against the plush chair.

"I mean," He was stressing his words, I must have been irritating him. "Why are you acting so strange?"

"Oh. Well cousin, I can't get your wonderful nights out of my head." I could have sworn my cousin groaned.

"Suguru, this is hardly the time or the place."

"Did I come for this? This dismissive shit you **always** throw at me?" I made my way over to his desk, pushing the papers off on it and sitting pretty on the hard wood.

"What?"

"Now is the time to decide are you in or out?" I said as I reached in my pocket and pulled out my cigarettes. Lighting one, I waited for my cousin's response.

"In or out of what?" He said after sometime, watching my actions with a weighted glance.

"Us. This. What we have."

"And what do we have?"

"Touma, you now what we have."

"What do we have Suguru?"

"All those nights, while Mika slept, in your car, and the perfect times out in the park." My cousin flushed.

"Suguru."

"You always looked so peaceful afterwards, After you had–"

"Suguru!"

"What? You asked what we had. I am not one to beat around the bush, per se."

"We cannot continue that."

"Why Touma? No one needs to know."

"Yes but if someone does find out. That _is_ bad press."

"I thought all press was good press?" Making my cousin eat his words at this moment was making me feel better.

"No. Child molesters who prey on their own cousins will get no sympathy."

"Well, then we'll be careful."

"No." I felt like a five-year-old the way he was talking down to me. I thought for a moment sliding off the desk and walking fluidly over to my cousin.

"Fine then, but let me show you what you'll be missing." I slid onto his lap my legs slipping through the holes in the armrests. My chest pressed against his. I took a drag, and blew it in his face and let my lips press against his cheek. His whole body tensed. I let my lips continue down to his jaw moving down to his neck.

"Think cousin." I whispered in his ear. "The way you felt inside me. Won't you miss it?"

"Suguru, stop this." He said plainly, making no effort to push me off.

"But Touma, your lips tell me one thing but you body tells me another." Pressing my hips closer to the bulge developing in his pants.

"Suguru . . . " the words trailed off as I let my lips latch onto his neck sucking on the flesh. His hands moved up and clutched right above my hips. I continued my assault on him. I hated rejection, I loathed it, and I would not be denied by the one person I pined for.

"Touma, will you leave me?" I continued to rub my hips against his body.

"Suguru, what if. . .?"

"If you always worried about 'what ifs' how did you become a musician?" I said finally, and pressed my lips against his. As I pulled away, he was near panting. "Touma, I want you."

"Suguru, this is wrong."

"You say that every time." I ran my semi-nails down his chest then under his layers of clothes stroking the warm skin. My cousin's body pushing toward my hand. I made sure that I was touching every one of his spots that he loved.

He let out a low moan, making me smile. His body was reacting just as it should; I knew my cousin wanted me. Pressing down harder on his lap; I grinded my his against his, I made my ,now, planned out moves.

"Suguru . . . " I smiled and placed another kiss on his lips, my fingers removing the shirt buttons. Pushing through layers.

"Yes Touma, what do you want?" He moaned as my fingers traced the outline of his nipple. "Do you want inside me cousin?"

He nodded slowly. I smirked and continued the slow decent down. My fingers opening his buttons to his pants. Sliding my hand against the bulge. He moaned again, his hands holding me close.

I reached be hind me and pulled his hands off my back placing them on the arm rests. Puling my legs off of him; I slid down to the floor. His teal eyes opened slightly urging me.

"But cousin this is wrong." I stood up and collected myself. He realized what was going to happen.

"Suguru, why--"

"Are you in or out?"

"I-I do not know." I shook my head and grabbed my school books. I headed toward the door.

"Fine, until you know, I won't be here to bog down your decision. But know that I long for the feelings you give me." I opened the door. "Good-bye cousin." I left the room shutting the door. Leaving a very sexually aroused man, to think whether or not he wanted me.

My cousin's mask cracked by me, and how he longed for me. And I knew it

"**Try hard my love do you hear the distant strings please remember what this means. Did I come back for all of this? It seems absurd somehow . . . With one well-placed flick of the wrist you've really done it now . . . All of my blind ambition left me deaf with perfect vision. The time has come for things to come undone that we should not have begun. At last T felt a numbness overcome and now you turn and run..."**


	10. Hey Jupiter The Dakota Version

_Ja:_ I found my ending. But it's not for a while, the circle must be recognized. And this will not be a perfect circle. This chapter is like Suguru's author's note. Because it will make sense once I get to the end. Keep the read's coming and the reviews too, if it's not too much trouble I like to hear your thoughts. (C_hapter 10! Longest story I have ever written and published.)_

**Hey Jupiter (The Dakota Version)**

I, for a moment, shall divert from my plot. You see, all of this is truth. I am not going to lie about my life I see no reason to. Am I ashamed of all the shit I have done? Yes. But does that give me a reason to lie? No.

Life is a very interesting thing. Everything can change in an instant. I guess I mislead you. You see, I was raped once. Only once. The first time with my cousin was . . . Well, unexpected but it was not rape. I didn't say, no, after he told me things would be all right. After he reassured me. Actually, if memory serves me (it isn't _that_ reliable but if it does.) I never got to the hole stop part. I started. But, there was no stop.

I love my cousin. Deeply, he has been the only driving force in my life for a long time. He will always be. My cousin has helped me grow more than anyone can imagine.

Now, that issue is cleared up I realized t was becoming misleading. I apologize for that again I claimed to be a composer, or a keyboard and piano player, not a writer or lyricist.

That makes me wonder how Shuichi's is coming along.

Sorry, that strays much too, far from my plot. But on the topic of Shuichi he's about to work his way into my life. Apparently, I have given you the reader's digest version. Well, as long as you understand.

Now back to three paragraphs ago. I may never have claimed to be one but I did try. I have written many complete songs on my own, with myself singing. Just to try it out.

As awkward as it was, it was great although it took me forever to complete the lyrics. When it comes to precise words; I have become a perfectionist.

Anything else I can clear up for you?

Oh yes the songs which have become my "chapter" titles and the lyrics at the bottom. Those are the songs that most remind me of that time in my life. This is more of an author note so I chose the song that was playing on my computer. I wish I could do it more justice.

But this song has too many memories to pin point one that could do it justice. All my memories plus those of Touma could not do this glorious woman (Tori Amos) justice. Well, shall I tell you about my memories with this song, the few that stick out?

My protagonist seems that he is in a might pickle. Thus the thought to tell you more about my past because I like to leave you in suspense.

I can think of one distinct memory to this actually the more I think about it. This is becoming quite a stream of consciousness blurb. Well I'll tell you the memory then I shall move on and get on so you can know what happens next.

I had been doing speed. I was tweaking horribly and I hadn't slept in three days. In my delusion. This song came on, and then it was all I wanted to hear. The drugs making me ultra emotional. Like a woman on her period, if you forgive the analogy.

Well, I soon became depressed, slipping horribly into that black hole. Feeling lost, alone, and completely useless I decided to kill myself.

Really. It as just like I woke up and was thought, I shall die today. I didn't plan much of anything I just opened my window and popped ff the screen. Letting it fall five stories, thinking that I would soon follow after.

I was standing on my sill. Holding on to the edge of the window. Taking deep breathes and convincing myself it was for the best. But my cousin plagued my thought. What would he say in my eulogy? Would he even bother?

That thought kept me from jumping.

Maybe the above memory will help you understand just how much I respect and value my cousin. Now that my little diversion is finished. I shall get started on the next bit. I am very sorry it comes in parts, but my memory is quite foggy.

"**No ones picking up the phone 'cause it's me and me. And this little masochist she's ready to confess. All the things she thought she could never feel and. . Hey Jupiter, nothing's been the same. Are you gay are you blue thought we could both use a friend to run to."**


	11. Eye

_Ja: _Almost 30 reviews. Thank you all very much. I would be nothing without the kind words and the support. I write firstly for myself, and secondly for my reader. Some days that line blurs and I don't write for me but my reader. This is one of those days, I still love it but I have to figure out exactly how I get to where I am going. I took a detour off my plot, and had to invent a new ending. I hope all of you understand and will continue reading. This is when the line is realized to have a curve.

I can tell you the name of the next chapter. "A Line Allows Progression A Circle Does Not.' The chapter after that is called 'Blue.' So if you know the song, you get a sneak peak.

**Eye**

It had been a week since I had gone to visit my cousin. He had not made any contact. I felt so lost and abused. I could do much after that seven days. I became a walking zombie, lost from all the emotional trauma my cousin was putting over me.

I missed the nights when he would come in and stroke my hair or the occasional hugs. Even the yearly phone calls. But I knew nothing would ever be the same. Once sex gets involved, nothing is ever the same.

Things get too complected and once great friends are all ex-lovers in the end.

I preoccupied my time writing myself songs. Trying to vent out all this pent up teenage angst. Becoming an insomniac, writing my best late at night. Using new metaphors, and other flowery language to get my point across.

Although, since my stay in the US, writing lyrics in Japanese was difficult, but I managed. English having so many more words to describe the things I felt. But if I ever played it I wanted everyone to understand.

As days and night started to meld into a blur for me, music therapy was doing less and less. Craving for another kind of release. Certain _things_ I did helped little for my damned teenage libido. I needed that sense of completion sex has always given me.

But alas, my parents watched my like a hawk. Smoking even became difficult, my father opening my door every hour or so and searching around for signs of _detrimental_ activities. Only catching me once, but I learned how to avoid the hawks gaze from him with smoking.

But, he went so far as to set me up with a girl and insist on a date. The vapid girl had little in common with me, while I listened to Beethoven and Mozart. She only listened to things made in that year. Making conversation dreadful, s we had very little in common.

But to most male standards she was beautiful. But I am more substance over style.After that horrible date I cloistered myself in my bedroom, fining the most annoying noise I could and played it at some obscene volume so he'd get the point that setting me up for dates was a no-no.

It was challenging to do much other than school at points and I was tempted to drop out again. Hating the stupid institution more and more. I wanted to pull a 'Jeremy' and just destroy it. Maybe even have a 'The Destroyers' moment to one of my teachers, who thought that long dull lectures were the way to a world of higher education.

School, Touma, my music, and battling my inner demons. Took a toll on my body, again losing weight, and smoking more than I ate. It was much easier to find a cigarette then a plate of food. Bags developing under my eyes, and becoming more moody and irritable then I had been in a long time.

Sleep was foreign, and being nice was out of this world.

I had myself, and I realized that myself was all I was ever going to have. I longed for my cousin, his touches his words and his gentle persuasion. I need so much more, more than memories, I needed the touches. I needed the sentiment, the few fleeting moments of being alive.

I was dying on the inside again, and again everyone was oblivious to it. Sure they knew I had problems, but they cured the symptoms but not the disease. Feeling lost is something I hate. I hate trying to find myself when I don't know which way is up.

At that moment my mother came into my room, upon all these revelations. And said quite calmly.

"Suguru, I think your father and I are going to leave for a while. WE want you to stay with Touma."

"Alright, I'll call him and see if I can, he is awfully busy though. Maybe I can stay here and he can come and check up on me?"

"Well. . ."

"It would be a great test."

"True. Well, only if Touma agrees, Okay?"

"I'll give him a call."

She left quickly, knowing that any moment I could sprout another head and bite hers off. I grabbed the phone and dialed NG. He was there, and I was waiting to be transferred.

"Hello Suguru."

"Hello Touma. I have a question for you."

"Yes?" There was something in his voice. Something I didn't like but loved all the same.

"My parents are going to be leaving for a while, and they want to test me. But I don't know, and they wanted to consult you. They also want you to check up on me every night."

"I think a test would be good for you and I trust you. So, yes I'll check up on you when I am on my way to my house from NG okay."

"Thank you very much cousin."

"Of course Suguru."

"Good bye Touma."

"Good bye" He sounded disappointed as I hung up the phone.

I smiled and let myself internally laugh. I would get my life back. The thought was, you can take Suguru out of his habitat, but he'll never stop being wild.

"**Is it any wonder I can't sleep? All I have is all you gave to me. Is it any wonder I found peace through you? Turn to the gates of heaven, to myself be damned. Turn away from light. It's not enough, just a touch. It's not enough"**


	12. A Line Allow Progression

_Ja:_ I realized that if I get 50 reviews. I will have more chapters and the same amount of reviews as another Touma/Sugurustory. But mine is brand new. So thank you everyone for showing so much love in the beginning. Sorry about the late-ness of the update. I started school, and Suguru was being elusive. I'll try to update more.

**A Line Allows Progression, A Circle Does Not**

The first night my cousin stopped by for a few minutes. He didn't stay much longer. He just checked in and made sure I was all right. It was kind of nice to have the house to myself. I pulled my keyboard and laptop out to the living room. Waking myself up and cooking for myself.

I actually loved it, even if it was only for two weeks. But my cousin, when he came would look at my arms and make me do his own brand of sobriety tests. Passing each of this tests. I began to get antsy, I wanted my cousin to stay longer than a few minutes.

Although, getting drunk or pretending to be cold be more detrimental then I could ever anticipate, so I decided against it. I would remain sober and try to get my cousin's attention for the first week. After that it was no guarantee, I couldn't be held responsible for my actions.

My cousin continued his brief visits. Asking me to stand on one foot, and say certain things. Then after he the tests he'd ask me if I was all right. Then give me a fleeting smile and leave. I got angry and called myself into school so I could mope and simmer alone, watching strange TV shows, and trying to write music.

I had a few songs already settled, and I would talk to old friends so I could preform them on a stage. Invite my cousin and my family and let them watch and hear all my thoughts.

With my cousin's new 'avoid Suguru' campaign I felt like the music was all I had, trying to get it all out. Just like they had told me in rehab, but I was failing miserably. I was falling, and I knew it.

I was tempted to call my therapist, like she had asked if I felt this way, but the cost kept me from doing it. I didn't feel like having to explain to my parents that I wasn't totally recovered. That I still was having psychological problems.

I felt like Susanna Kaysen, I knew what my disorder was, but I was totally inept to fix it. Part of me liked having the excuse. But I hated the highs and lows that came with it. I was in one of my longest lows.

Not only was I borderline, I knew that I was histrionic, doing things to get affection, and praise that I didn't have as a child. I know you can make a choice to let the abuse affect you or grow from it, but I was probably five when I made the decision, and I don't remember it, just ended up like it.

I don't really blame my parents for all of my problems I know I had a hand in it. Doing things that looking back now where disgusting and I would never do them again. I have my blame in thirds. My cousin also being a detrimental factor in my life. I liked to believe though, that despite all the blame and my problems I was fully able to use it to my advantage.

After trying repeattively to make my cousin stay, even feigning feeling sick, he just recommended juice and sleep and said he'd call me in the next day. I was irritated and rejected by Saturday. Then the plan formed, not really a plan. More of a gain., a way to get ahead.

My cousin came by at about four-thirty, and asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him and Mika, and Mr. Yuki. I declined politely, saying I had too much homework, and I knew being in a room, with my one-time-lover and cousin and my cousin's crush, and on top of that Touma's wife would be more the a bit awkward.

After he left I preceded to dig through my closet, then realizing while I was gone my parents of Touma went through it and threw most of my old clothes away. I dug around my room, digging up money. I headed out on the town to pick up some clothes and other necessities for this evening.

I spent all of my money and one hour out shopping. Returning home I dressed and did all of te other things to go out. I dug around my room for Rozi's number not finding it, I tried to dial it from memory.

"Hello?"

"Rozi?"

"Who is this."

"Oh Jack rabbit. Don't remember your own kin?

"Suguru? Holy fuck! Where have you been sweet thing?"

"Rehab. But it's all bull. I need a new ID."

"Really? Rehab, fuck, who found out."

"My parents."

"Oh. Well, why don't you come over and I can get you a copy of your old ID. But I'll need payment."

"Like I wouldn't pay you. In some way."

"Got no paper?"

"No. I don't, but I'll head over and we can talk this over."

"See you soon, baby bunny."

"You too Jack rabbit."

I hung up the phone. Now you remember Rozi? My gateway drug, and supplier of all things illegal. I said, it was either Touma or drugs. Touma wasn't coming through but I knew Rozi would. I put on my coat and walked to his apartment. He welcomed me with open arms, and a few gropes. Handing me my ID, right off the bat. And I would pay him.

After the payment, he showed me to the door, and again gave me a hug slipping something into my back pocket.

"See you soon bunny?"

"Hopefully." I kissed his cheek and left. Going to my old clubs and danced the night away. Seeing old friends and getting successfully intoxicated. I got a ride with a friend and headed back to my apartment. I reached in my back pocket and there were two tan little pills.

I almost squealed and I went to my bedroom and pulled up my covers and found the little rip in my mattress pulling out a syringe and a belt. I grabbed a spoon from the hole as well. Walking to my bathroom I made the concoction and pushed it into me.

The res of that night was delightful. High and laying on bed listening to music and finally feeling alive again. I said, drugs or Touma. I will get what I want, and this was it. I knew if my cousin found out he'd be mad, I knew that this would be the final straw, I knew too much, and I was questioning everything. But I wanted to be alive and I would be, even if it killed me.

"**Stumble around the neighborhood with nothing to do. You're always looking for something to sniff, smoke, or swallow. Calling over next door to see what they got but you would settle for anything. That would make your brain slow down or stop. Break this circle of thoughts you chase before they catch back up with you. As you try to find some source of light. . .Try to name one thing you like; you used to have such a longer list and light you never had to look for it. But now it's so easy second guess everything you do"**


	13. Blue

_**Ja:** _It was brought to my attention that I didn't make this clear. This is not AU. If this were AU, I wouldn't have such a time constrain. This is supposed to flow with the TV series.(Mostly because I haven't read all the manga) So, Shuichi and Hiro will be in this little story, and it will mesh. But there are other characters in Suguru's life that will be added by me. **5) **thanks! I hope to read soon, and check your e-mail soon, Sascha and Trent, Carlton and Elijah will be appearing soon and as soon as I get the other story I'll send it you way. **Mortheza) **Sometimes you are the only reason I write this story. **Shiroyuki004)** Thanks for bring the AU thing to my attention.

PS) The next chapters are: 'Anarchy'' and 'Not Like The Other Girls'. Know the songs, you may have an idea.

Blue

'Best to keep things in the shallow end. Because I never quite learned how to swim.' It was true.

I had woken up, bitting my lips wanting another hit. But I knew I couldn't go out and get it until my cousin had come and gone. The wait would kill me and I knew it. I had to occupy my time with something else.

Vicodin. That's what I had my time with. It helped stop the symptoms of withdrawal. I walked to another friend of mine. My little prostitute friend she always had a colorful splash of prescription drugs littering her table. After some small talk I asked her for the drug and she gratefully handed it over for half of my pack of cigarettes.

Now doped up I could face my cousin, and I did. He decided that I had done nothing wrong and left just like every other time. I laughed when he left, I had tricked my all knowing cousin, and I had (as in so far) gotten away with it.

I went back to Rozi's house that night, and 'traded in my talents by the mouthful'. For more drugs. Smoking some pot with him before I returned home, and again I doped myself up. Rocking back and forth at my keyboard writing new music and shrieking my lyrics out like a banshee.

The next morning I was goggy and again popped some Vicodin. I went to school. Twitching and semi-hallucinating the whole day. I met a half-friends named Kyoko. She was playing cello in the music room during lunch that I snuck down to in order to try to get a fix. I didn't get one and because of that I snapped at my two of my teachers. Ending up next to my cousin in the Principle's office.

Sent home for the day, Touma insisted I go to his apartment and wait for him to return. Which I did. Of course I would Mika was in Kyoto, this maybe the moment. The thing I had ben waiting for, then I would stop doing drugs.

No really, for Touma I could fix anything.

I waited on his couch, still twitching and semi-hallucinating, but excited. I stared at the clock watching it tick, the door opening and my cousin strolling in.

"Before you say one word Suguru. This is not what it seems. I feel you are being immature and a child about this whole affair." My anger boiled

"Yes because all ten year olds have sex with their cousins."

"Suguru! Yo don't always get what you want."

"No, Touma I _never_ get what I want. What I have always wanted was working, or touring, or too busy."

"Suguru."

"What would you do if you were the reason I went back to drinking?"

"I'd wonder why you were so stupid."

"Really? No remorse? No why would I be the catalyst?"

"Suguru, you're almost an adult, if I am still dictating your-"

"I didn't say you were dictating them. I said what would you do if you were the _reason_."

"I wouldn't be that reason your own weakness would be."

"Touma. I-I-I. . Lo- Fuck you."I shook my head and pushed past him and marched out of the apartment.

I, basically, ran to my home and crawled inside near tears. I was being immature? Me? Really was I? I just wanted some definite on the affair.

Was is an affair? No. I was something casual. Never mind the fact I am his cousin. I still love my cousin. I would crawl through the desert naked without any water for weeks if it made my cousin happy. But no.

Shit, my life was turning into a long drawn out emo rant. All I had to do was start cutting.

No that was too light I would rather throw myself down stairs, or bash into a wall until something broke. I didn't need to feel alive, I needed to feel pain.

I felt urges getting unbearable. So I wrote one of my longest songs, breaking it up in my mind. But I knew it was futile. I just had to change my tactics.

I again got high that night calling me in for the next day. Putting on my best Touma voice and saying that he was taking me to the doctor. I laid on my bed until I heard a distant pounding.

I knew it was the door. I **knew** it. But I couldn't seem to find this door. And when I did, my cousin was on the other side. . .

"Because I don't want to know. I just didn't want to know. Mistook their nods for an approval. Just ignore the smoke and smile. Call it aftermath, she's turning blue, such a lovely color for you. Call it aftermath, she's turning blue, such a perfect color for your eyes. Call it aftermath, she's turning blue while I just sit and stare at you"


	14. Anarchy

_Ja: _I have to edit the last chapter, but I thought I'd update first. Sorry, I moved my room, didn't have internet . . . etc. I hope that I won't have many more distractions now.

**Anarchy**

"Suguru." I blinked at my cousin's teal eyes swaying slightly. My cousin looked like he had run, but I doubt he had. I figured it may have been windy outside.

"Yeah?" I said slowly. He came through the door and shut it quickly I leaned back against the wall sliding to the floor, my body felt too heavy to hold up anymore.

"You stormed out before I could finish." His voice sounded like it as miles away. I nodded because of the pause, I assumed that was what I was supposed to do. "Suguru, as I told you in my office. . ." That was all I heard before my head began to buzz and drift off.

I swayed where I sat and I felt sick. I was dizzy, and my stomach was revolting. Then in the fuzz I heard his voice.

My drug addled mind perceived it as salvation. I crawled toward him. Then his voice went away. I near stopped but I knew he was close. Groping blindly I found his thigh.

"Touma."I whispered, my voice sounding huskier then I would have liked but my mouth was dry.

I really didn't feel like having sex at all. I was tired, I wanted to curl up in his arms and sleep, but my cousin's fingers wrapped around my hand on his thigh.

I knew what was running through his mind. My vision blinked in like a random camera flash. My cousin pushed me against the couch. I didn't protest. I don't think I could have. Again my vision flashed and he was kissing me. I couldn't feel it but I saw it.

I think I was falling asleep. And the flashes were random moments of consciousness were making me paranoid. I shivered, as I could feel the slight tickle of his hands on my sides.

"Suguru." I inhaled sharply. My body winked out of consciousness

It was nice I was pretty lost to it all, and it felt like everything make sense at that moment. Free falling is usually very scary, but I had been approaching that cliff for far to long, so I had the prep time to fall out and off that afore mentioned fissure in my consciousness.

Upon feeling that free fall, I decided a lot of things. Maybe going after Touma wasn't the best function. Maybe the form I needed to follow was a true meeting between two people. Or maybe it was a vodka chaser, I didn't know which was the best but the alcohol seemed like the best idea.

"Suguru!" It sounded panicked, but The free fall was like flying and I never wanted to leave this semi-captured moment of euphoria.

I felt like a violent wind whipped around my upper body changing my trajectory. I tried to fight against it, but I could move my heavy limbs. And the lack of control was a godsend.

"No.."

I flet fuzzy and it seemed to be getting brighter.

"He's"

The speech made the black turn in tone and shapde whiter or greyer and it made me frustrated, my fee fall was slowing down too much and I was sure I was goign to break a one when I landed instead of being crushed on impact.

"Pulse. It's faint but he's got one."

"What do you think was the cause?"

"Maybe dehydration?"

"Maybe.'

Damnit! Leave me alone! My black free fall had turned into a stop in whiteville. The light was blinding and I lifted up my arm to cover my arms.

"It's too bright." I groaned out.

"Sugi!" I groaned again.

"Touma?" I opened my eyes to be greeted with a close range look is a flashlight bulb. I snarled and again covered my eyes. "Will you stop shining that damn thing in my eyes."

I tried after a few minutes to open my eyes again, and the light was gone, I was on the floor in my living room. I looked over at my cousin. And forced a little smile. It came to me what had happened I went out on nod and the stress of the situation induced hallucinations.

"What happened?" I asked playing the naive role.

"You passed out and your breathing slowed down and so did your heart rate. I thought you died so I called a paramedic team. "

"Oh."

The on call medic started to ask me questions I pointed it at dehydration. So soon with starting drugs again and I was going to be found out. Fat chance. I was tried of feeling the slow tick-tock and no relent, and drugs made the slow clock move faster.

I talked with my cousin after the team left, having successfully scared him he gave me water and other fluids just like the medic asked I tried to act as causal as possible under his hawk eyes. He knew the effects of some drugs, hopefully he didn't know all that much about heroin.

After I bid him goodbye I went to sleep.

I was out for a while, I remember him touching me but it made me wonder if had done anything with me while I was free falling.

"**Trapped under ice, comfortably cold. I've gone as low as you can go. Feel no remorse no sense of shame. Time's gonna wash away all pain . . . Gospel of rage, a faction of hate deviate from the absolute. Born of revenge, raised on cement."**


End file.
